Doggie Extraordinaire

Every Seven Dog Years...

2010-12-25T11:54:00.000-08:00

There's this particular day every 7 dog years that happens in my humans' house -- don't know why it's every 7 dog years, but whatever -- and they have all these sparkly things hanging around that I can't touch, and all these sweet treats they cook and eat that I can't touch, and all these boxes of stuff wrapped in paper that I can't touch. It's really kind of a lame day because all the great things that entertain me, I can't touch, so I end up getting yelled at a lot. But it's still kinda fun.

This time, they all sat down and first thing they did was open a plastic container and inside were all these squeaky toys that looked like food, and they were for ME! FINALLY!

Here we have a baked potato that squeaks, which doesn't taste like a baked potato, but I'll still eat it. The ear of corn is nearby, but for some reason, the baked potato is my favorite.

Here one of my humans is trying to take my ear of corn. Nope, not gonna happen.

My corn.

On the couch, I settle down for a good time with my pretend meal: turkey, rope broccoli, roll, potato and corn, but they're always egging me on.

The whole pretend meal came on a plate that was a frisbee, and frisbees can't stand up to my level of play. This is the introduction...

This is one of the three meager tosses...

And, this is the result of me catching a frisbee, which punctures immediately and makes my gums bleed, so I don't do frisbees very often. They are too wimpy for me.

While the rest of the humans tore paper off of boxes and made a big mess, I chewed on my pretend meal.

Within about 30 minutes, I'd pretty much shredded most of my pretend food. Toys don't last long in my care -- it's like they just give up and fall apart. It's okay. I'll get more in 7 dog years, I'm sure.

Doggie E's Snow Day

2009-12-27T14:22:00.000-08:00

There's been much chaos in the house lately. Big plants with lights and toys dangling from the branches that I'm not allowed to play with, boxes with colorful paper I like to shred, ribbons everywhere, people eating constantly -- it's been great! And then it snowed, which I'd totally forgotten about even though this is my fifth winter. Snow is good and bad. I like to go out and play in it, but I hate how cold it is and how the snow gets between my toes. I'm not a snow dog, but I can play one for a little while.

Look at all this snow! That's too much, even for me.

There is increased excitement whenever I have to go potty because it's such an ordeal to get everyone else all bundled up, so when I know it's time, it's hard to contain my energy. That Guy likes to hold my tail, and it drives me nuts because I can't go anywhere without it.

Open the door. Open the door. Open the door. Open the door. Open...

Open the other door. Open the other door. Open the other door. Open the other door. Open...

OH NO! It's taller than me!

What am I going to do? I have to do poopies!

You know, That Guy didn't have to throw me into the snow. I would've found a way in. Sheesh. And My Human with the camera constantly taking my picture. A dog can't even poop in the snow around here with some dignity!

Birdies! Everywhere! I wanna eat them!

I think I can catch them if you just let go of the leash. Really, I can. Just let go for a minute.

Sure, mention letting go of the leash and suddenly it's time to go inside. Well, that's okay, because now I'm covered in snow and I have to rub it all over the couch.

The Humans put blankets and covers on the couch to protect it from me, but I have ways of grinding my scents into everything.

Even if I have to somersault to do it.

Snow: it's a good thing.

As It Should Be

2009-07-31T15:43:00.001-07:00

Two weeks ago, I got sick. No one knows what was wrong with me, but it was awful. Not awful because I was sick, which was awful, but awful because I had to go to the vet, which was the most awful thing ever. They put all my leashes on me and then put a big cloth muzzle around me so that when the doctor stabbed me violently with that big needle, I couldn't defend myself. And they took my blood. And made me stay there for two hours, which in dog time is like more time that it takes to eat a whole Nylabone!

Anyway, I was trying to get the muzzle off and I scratched my face up good. I got blood all over the place, which I didn't care about, but my human did. Finally we got to go home, and then it took about a week for me to finally get over that trauma and they took me back for another visit.

This time I was feeling better, so I was ferocious.

As I should be.

All the other dogs, and all the vets and vet techs were scared of me.

As they should be.

Everyone was scared of me. But they still gave me shots. And my human shot some pink liquid up my nose, which really pissed me off for about a second, and then I forgave her. I always do.

It's how it should be.

So now, I look out the window and I want to go out, and I want to go bye-bye, but I don't want to go back to the vet, so I'm torn.

Sigh.

It looks like fun out there, and there are lots of humans and animals to chase. Especially those little humans who live next door and stand in front of my windows, taunting me. I'd REALLY like to chase them around for a while.

But I don't want to end up back at the vet if we go outside. So for now I'll just stand here and watch. And I'll stay inside where it's safe and ~~I'm protected~~ I can protect my human.

As it should be.

Attention, Humans and Dogs!

2009-01-07T22:35:00.000-08:00

I am Cloudy.

I am a cat, therefore, I am superior. I am cute, cuddly, soft and feminine. I am a diva like none you've ever seen before. I will rip your arm off and beat you with it, then purr softly and meow while rubbing on your bloody stump, and you will like it.

I have taken over your world. I have taken over your dog. I have taken over your home.

I am now taking over your dog blog.

A few weeks ago, it got really cold outside and my former humans threw me out and moved away, so I went where I knew I could dominate. Yeah, these humans had a big, huge dog, and yeah, they pretended not to like me, but I am a cat, therefore, I am superior. I made them like me.

First I was just cute. Humans are suckers for cute. Then I meowed softly every time anyone spoke to me in that obnoxious baby-talk voice. They ate it up. A few purrs, some rubbing, and I was in. Now it's all about world domination.

The funny thing is, they make toys for me to play with to hone my skills, which will inevitably be used against them. How ironic is that? Take, for instance, this rubber band string.

At first, I was like, "Dude, what is that ridiculous thing?"

"What exactly am I supposed to do with THAT?"

"Fine, you inferior species. I will catch it and mangle it."

I discovered that the rubber band toy was much more of a gym than anything, and I showed off my prowess.

I must say, I did splendidly, both destroying the rubber band toy and impressing the humans with my abilities, all the while looking like the menacing creature I am.

The dog is terrified of me, as well he should be because after all, I am a cat, therefore, I am superior.

It's my house now.

I used to live out there.

Sometimes I long for the outdoors, where I could catch and kill more birds than one cat could eat, and I would leave offerings on doorsteps around the neighborhood, laying the groundwork for future domination. I do miss that a little.

But, I live inside now, where it's always warm, never rains or snows, and I am given my food by my human servants, who also run to have the honor of cleaning up my poo each time I go. I am worshipped. As I should be. Because I'm a cat, therefore, I am superior.

It's all mine. It will take me forever exploring, figuring out exactly what is here that is mine, but it is all mine.

And if they ever question my superiority, I just go back to looking cute and it's game over for them.

I am Cloudy. I'm here to stay.

Snowdog

2008-12-19T11:22:00.000-08:00

I don't mind the cold. I'm a dog and I'm covered in fur, so cold isn't such a big deal to me. But what I don't like is anything wet. Snow, rain, baths, all of it is bad. It gets in my fur, in between my toes, and then I have to lick myself clean and dry for hours and hours and hours afterward. It's terrible. It's so like work, and work is for humans! Patooey!

My humans took me outside to play today, and it was nice and cold out, but there was so much snow. It was everywhere.

I sniffed around. Is it really that cursed snow stuff or just pretend snow?

Hmmm, smells like snow. Maybe I can walk in it anyway and it won't bother me.

Oh, there's so much of it, I can walk right on top of it! This isn't so bad.

OOF! I sunk in! It's up to my naughty bits!

Get me out of here!

I don't like this. Don't make me go in there again.

OH YEAH! I remember this game! Kick the Snow! I love Kick the Snow! I'll get it!

Ah, it's getting away! Must jump higher!

It's going that way! OH NO! Into the snow again!

Driveway is better. Whew!

Hey! He's kicking the snow again! I got it! I got it!

Grrrrrrrrrr! I'm so good at this! Must punish snow for making me wet!

I've been tricked back into the snow again! MUST! GET! AWAY!

I'm already in the snow and you're kicking snow too? I can't handle all this snow!

Peanuts dance!

Snow: fun if you can stay out of it and just catch it when it's flying in the air.

Me and My Shirt

2008-07-02T21:23:00.001-07:00

Why do humans wear clothes? I've never been able to figure it out. Is it because they have so little body hair? Is it because they're all pink and delicate? Eesh.

Sometimes, my humans think it's funny to put their ridiculous clothes on me. Clearly I'm wearing the coolest brindle coat, so stylish and classy that human designers wouldn't dare to try to mimic my beautiful fur. Why on earth would I need clothes? I just can't believe what amuses them.

So, here I am with this shirt on, trying to get it off me. I look ridiculous and you can't see my cool, natural stripes.
There are all these holes in their shirts, which they put their arms through, and then you can't get them back out. What is the point of this? Why wear a shirt you can't just rip off with your fangs when you need to?
It's exhausting, I tell you. It must take them three hours every day to take these things off. I need to lay down for a bit, but I'm still going to tug on this shirt. Maybe it will just give up and fall off me because I'm so ferocious.
Oh yeah, pity, that's what I need. Human! Get this shirt off me!
HEY! That human has my tennis ball! He better throw that tennis ball to me since he's putting me through the indignity of wearing this shirt. Does anyone know what it says on the front? I can't read it from here.
Mmm, man, there is nothing like the taste of new tennis ball. It almost makes me forget I'm wearing this stupid shirt.
You are NOT going to take my tennis ball away from me! Don't even think about it.
He TOOK it! I'm laying here in this stupid human shirt and he took my tennis ball! Isn't there someone I can call? Isn't there someone who will rescue me from this torment? If he would only throw the ball to me, it would all be okay.
You know, it wasn't until later, when I was online, that I was able to look up the word on this stupid shirt. Do you know what it says? PUMA! Can you believe that? He put a shirt on me that advertises a cat. A CAT! Oh, the humanity!
I had to get this shirt off me! I struggled and struggled, but this is the best I could do. Note the tennis ball still in my jaw. I could not set it down and risk losing it again. Probably, I'd have been able to get the shirt off if I could've set the tennis ball down, but around here, you never know what they're going to do to your stuff if you set it down. They might have WASHED it if I had dropped the ball, so I couldn't put it down.
See? Still got the ball. I have priorities. The shirt will eventually come off, but you just can't set the ball down.
They just think they're SOOOOO funny, and they kept saying how cute I looked. Well, here's a newsflash: I'm ALWAYS cute! I don't need no stinking shirt!
Are...are you going to take it off of me now? Please?
Because I look ridiculous in your yellow Puma shirt. Truly. It isn't even comfortable. Don't pet me to try to make me feel better -- get the shirt off me!
Fine. I look like a yellow sausage, but at least I have my tennis ball.
I love tennis balls. They don't wear clothes. Only humans wear clothes. And dogs who are victims of humans.
As if there was nothing left they could do to me, then the fight turned ugly. I never knew he played hockey. Look at what he did to me! That's not fair fighting!
Many things scare me, such as the broom, the vacuum, the hose, buckets, small dogs, salad tongs, mechanical pencils, the level, anything metal, anything loud, anything at all, really. However, being trapped inside a shirt is probably one of the most terrifying things I've ever experienced. I couldn't get out!
Finally I got out. Whew! I'm going to punish that shirt for a long time.
Maybe that's why humans wear clothes -- they put clothes on long ago and just couldn't get out of them. Poor humans.

Bone!

2008-05-06T23:08:00.001-07:00

My human sometimes says the magic word: "bone." She'll say, "Where's your bone?" or "I'm gonna get your bone!" This means we play! And this means I get to win, because I always win.

But just that word..."bone"...makes my eyes get big and my ears and tail perk up. Did she say bone?

Then the challenge is to find the bone before she does. I hide my bones in REALLY AWESOME hiding spots, and she can never find them. Sometimes I can't find them either. Is it on the counter?

Nope. What am I going to do now? She wants to play Bone and I can't find it.

OH yeah! I remember! I hid it in my favorite, most super secret spot! She'll NEVER FIND IT! It's under the table! Wait, I'll have to go check, subtly, so she doesn't know that I know where it is.

Mmm-hmm, it's still there. I don't think she knows. I'll just stand here looking like I have no idea where the bone is. I'm good at playing innocent.

Maybe I should go sit on the couch to look less knowledgeable. It's hard to hide genius like mine. It will leave the bone exposed, but she'll never find it.

HEY, SHE FOUND IT! And now the game begins!

She tosses it to me and then I chew on it on my couch.

My human taunts me saying, "I'm gonna get that bone!"

I say, "NO YOU'RE NOT! IT'S MINE!" Only I think when I talk it comes out sounding more like, "Grrrrrrrrrrrrr."

Sometimes she gets it away from me, but tonight I got to chew on it for a while. I win. I always win.

When I get tired of playing Bone, I go hide it again in one of my awesome hiding spots that no one can find. But since she just found it in my best spot under the table, I'll have to resort to an inferior spot. But they're all awesome, it's just that I'll have to find a spot just a smidge less awesome. And I'll have to trick her first.

I think I'll hide it at the bottom of the stairs, but I have to distract her somehow first.

That's right, Human, I'm hiding it at the TOP of the stairs. *Wink*

Here, now that she thinks I'm going to put it upstairs, I'll close my eyes so that she can't see where I'm putting it.

Okay, now I have to hide it really well. Hmm, how shall I place it?

There! That's perfect! She'll never find it now.

NO! I will not tell you, no matter what you threaten me with. That bone is hidden and you will never find it. And I will never tell. Unless you give me a cookie.

See, that's a game of Bone played well! My human is exhausted, I'm ready for a nap, the couch is torn up and the bone is hidden so great that no one will ever find it.

Very fun. You should try it.

Who is Influencing Who Here?

2008-03-31T22:29:00.001-07:00

My human has these lofty perceptions that I have taken on human characteristics, but in her limited human understanding, she has failed to recognize that maybe dogs had these characteristics first. I mean, I don't want to take credit for all of human evolution, but there are some things I don't think the humans would have done without some kind of Canine Inspiration. And who better to inspire her than me?

For instance, my human bites her fingernails, and one day she saw me doing the same thing so she assumed I learned it from her. Pshaw! My dogs have been biting their claws for longer than humans have been walking upright.

I'll spare you the photo, but recently my human learned that while in the bathroom with her sibling, who was giving me a completely unnecessary bath, I peed in the tub. C'mon! It's natural! She was in hysterics, thinking that it was a human thing to pee while bathing. Duh! ALL animals pee wherever it's convenient! Only stupid humans have designated bowls for it, which are way better as drinking bowls because they're so cold.

Seriously, I'm not so sure why humans are running the planet sometimes. This is what I think of them.

But mostly we just like to chill together, and I'm not really sure whose species is responsible for coming up with that characteristic, but it doesn't matter. As long as she rubs my belly and behind my ears when we're lounging on the couch or the bed, then she can take credit for anything.

Got Coke?

2007-11-19T20:46:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been what my human calls a "good boy." I don't know what this means, but it usually involves much petting and sometimes rewards. All I know is I've been cranking up the cuteness factor for quite some time, in addition to resisting the urge to eat pillows. I'm getting quite good at both. See?

Upon closer inspection, one might notice the dried saliva on the pillow from my constant licking, but if you start looking closely, I turn on the cute full blast and it's always distracting.

If there is any doubt that I have nothing but love for the pillows (as humans do cheesecake), I put on a dramatic show of kicking the pillows off the couch when she's around so that she becomes my pillow. She likes this. Why she enjoys being a pillow, I don't know, but she rubs my head when I lay on her and then I know it worked.

If she gets up, I go back to laying on the pillows. It makes her feel safe with me and pillows in the same room, I think. Look how good I can fake it!

Yeah, baby! I'm so good, we have a regular routine down now. I look cute, love pillows and use her as a pillow, and she brings me my favorite toys so we can play our favorite game. It is a stupid looking toy, but it is so fun! She seems to have a lot of them. I wonder if this means something.

The game goes like this: She stands across the room with the toy and I sit on the couch, eagerly awaiting it. She's supposed to throw it to me so I can catch it in the air, but sometimes she likes to tease and pretend to throw it. I get all hyped up and ready to catch, but nothing comes at me. It's annoying, but what are you going to do? She's a very crude human.

And... here we go, with her pretending to throw it. I get startled and start to jump, but there's nothing to catch, and all it does is mess up the couch and move the furniture around the front room. Silly human. You'd think she'd know this.

"THROW it already!" Man, it gets exhausting jumping at nothing, and yet she persists.

"Human, if you don't throw it, I'm going shred all the toilet paper! Then you'll be sorry!"

Oooh, here one comes! Gotta catch it or it will shoot across the room and I'll have to chase it!

With each catch, I keep it for long enough to gnaw parts off of it, like the label and the lid and the ring under the lid. Makes it easier to grasp it the next time she throws it. Sometimes, when I see myself like this, I think I look pretty ferocious. Excellent!

Hmm, that crossed eyes look isn't so flattering on me, but with a toy coming at you, it's hard not to let it happen.

The goal is to catch it and get some good hang time. Oh, and not land on anything fragile. NOT that I care if I break anything, but sometimes broken stuff hurts, or worse, it makes my human angry and then the game stops. But I try not to think about that because hang time is very important.

"Okay, I've played your game. Can I please have some ALONE TIME with my toy now? KTHNXBAI."

For some reason, she feels the need to assess the damage as I drool in the background awaiting my toy to be returned to me. As if she didn't know I'd destroy it.

Then the toy becomes mine. As well as the couch. I take up the whole couch and you better not sit by me when I have my toy because I'll growl so much it will scare you. I practice lots. I'm good.

It's hard work, actually. It takes a lot out of you to catch these toys and try to keep their round, slippery shape in your jaw, so I need to relax with my toy and drool a bit while I calmly chew on the top. Energy does not last long enough.

Hmm, making use of these delicious pillows to lay on while gnawing on my toy is kinda nice. Maybe I should keep a couple of these pillows around for this purpose. We shall see.

She never lets me finish it off. When I start taking little chunks out of it, she usually snags it from me. Ah, well, I did my job. LOOK at that magnificent piece of work!

Okay, now it's back to being cute because tomorrow when she comes home, she might bring another one. Look how slick I am, being cute AND being nice to pillows. I'm SO going to have toys all week if I keep this up.

My Favorite Things

2007-07-06T12:57:00.000-07:00

The other day, my human gave me a rawhide that she said was a gift from Aunt Marina. I think I remember Aunt Marina. I barked at her. I bark at everyone. But she still gave me some rawhide. Maybe I should rethink this barking at everyone policy.

Nah. Barking is good. Barking is my favorite thing!

Anyway, my human gave me the rawhide gift and I'm not one to turn down a good chew toy. Rawhides are so awesome! Rawhides are my favorite things! More favorite than barking!

Oh, the only thing better than a rawhide is a BEEF-FLAVORED rawhide! What a tasty treat! Beef rawhides are my favorites!

But the rawhide doesn't get eaten until much later. For the next week, it is a tug-o-war toy, at which time I will let my human think that she is stronger than me so that she gets the rawhide away and throws it. Going to get the flying rawhide is my favorite thing! Then we can play tug-o-war again. Wait, maybe that's my favorite thing. I always forget. I have so many favorite things!

I have to be careful of her big, fleshy fingers. My teeth could slice one off without much of an effort on my part. My teeth rock! My teeth are my favorite things!

Hmmm, this tug-o-war and fetch game is exhausting, Human. Maybe we could just sit together for a while, while I chew on my rawhide. You're wearing me out!

My bed is a waterbed, and though it drives me crazy because I can't drink the water, it is quite comfortable. And when I lay on it and chew my rawhide, the bed makes waves that are very enjoyable. I think my favorite thing is to lay on the bed and chew rawhide.

Oh, I dropped the rawhide. Darn. I guess it's going to remain on the floor now because I'm not fetching again.

Maybe I'll just roll over. My human has this big stack of books, notebooks and stuff on my bed all the time, but it doesn't matter. I'll lay right on top of it all.

Do you think, Human, you could rub me in that spot I like on the top of my head? You know it's my favorite spot!

Ahh, much better! I'm just going to get comfortable here. Feel free to do what you need to do, just don't touch the rawhide!

Sleep is good. Sleep is my favorite thing! Sleeping on my waterbed with my human nearby, and she is NOT touching my rawhide, now that's my favorite thing.

Zzzzzzz... thanks, Marina... zzzzzzzzzz... rawhide good... sleep good... zzzzzzzzzz... my favorite things... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Making the Couch Dog-Friendly

2007-05-13T23:55:00.000-07:00

As with all furniture in the house, it is essential for us dogs to claim the couch as our own from the humans who would seek to steal it from us. Part of the claiming process involves dogifying it with our hair and secretions. No one needs a lesson in that, I'm guessing, so I'll move on to dog comfort.

Cushions are for humans.

We don't need no stinking cushions! Kick it to the floor! Patooey!

Lay down. Get a feel for it. Take a nap. Enjoy the couch as the designer intended. If the designer didn't want you to toss the cushion on the floor, why do they come off? Sometimes the cusions on surrounding couch segments make for nice pillows. This is a personal choice.

Your human is so linear in thought that she probably will laugh and make a big deal about your new sleeping habits. I still don't know what the big deal is.

The true test of a perfect fit is if it makes you drool in your sleep.

See? Perfect!

It Ain't Easy Being the Dog

2007-04-28T21:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes humans just don't know how hard it is to be the dog.

I'm the hero. I'm the only one who can fend off attackers -- which are EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME!!! -- and eat bad guys. It's a stressful life.

I take my responsibilities very seriously! Does this look like the face of a kidder?

Most of my day is spent barking, threatening and getting the word out that my house and human are invulnerable thanks to me. I get yelled at a lot, but humans just don't understand the kind of steadfast devotion it takes to defend them and their homes. It takes a lot out of a dog, so rest is essential.

Every now and then I come across something that's unfamiliar to me and I get a little...well...okay, I can admit it! I get a little scared! I mean, seriously, there's this giant stick with bristles on the end that gets dragged across the floor and makes this terrible sweeping noise. That thing scares the hell out of me! What IS that thing!? And I'm not so fond of sudden movements. Or kitchen utensils. Or toothpaste. Or noise that isn't coming from me. So, when I hear something frightening, I do what any sane creature would do: I run! I bolt! "Run for your lives!" I shout and tear up the stairs for safety in the bedroom. When my human doesn't follow, I freak out a little. What is she thinking? I told her to run and I led the way, but she is not running and letting me into the bedroom to hide under the covers. Something scary is out there, you stupid human! It's going to eat you!

You're thinking I'm overreacting again, aren't you? I heard something scary! I know I did! It was what? It was you sneezing? That's all? Um, well, then I heard something else too! It's still out there so you better get up here and save yourself! I think I hear it again!

After a while I start to build my courage again and I can come down a couple stairs and try to look like the cool, in-charge dog I am.

Sometimes I get the feeling she thinks I'm a big chicken and she's laughing at me, but only a really mean, mean, mean human would think that!

Eventually, I calm down and can go relax again at my favorite post, camouflaged on the couch. *sigh* I'm telling you, it's a hard life. You just don't know.

MY COUCH!

2006-11-20T14:52:00.000-08:00

My human got me a new present, and it's not my birthday OR Christmas! I'd licked, scratched, shed on, dominated and drooled all over the previous couch sufficiently and was in need of a new couch to call my own. And lookie what I got!

My couch!

Yep. It's mine. All mine.

Doesn't it look good on me? It brings out my eyes.

You were NOT thinking of sitting on this couch, were you?

You do know this is MY couch, do you not?

See how small this gigantic couch makes me look?
That's how a couch should be!

Could you maybe get me a bone?
I'm kinda comfortable here but I would
so like to have something to chew.

What was that?! Is someone coming?
They are NOT going to sit on my couch!

I even chew my bones on the couch.
I may never leave it. Typical guy, huh?

But I'm still in touch with my feminine side.
Look how well it matches me!

This couch and I were meant to be together!

Homecoming

2006-09-02T16:11:00.000-07:00

My human works an ungodly amount of hours (I don't know how she does it), and when she comes home, I get so excited I could eat a pillow.

I don't fully understand myself, either. The sight of her makes me want to devour this big, brown, stuffed thing, and it's all I can think about. YUMMY PILLOW!

It's not only yummy, but it needs to be shredded. I don't know why. She sometimes asks, but I don't have an answer. Her coming home from work makes me want to destroy pillows. It's a compulsion and I probably need to see a vet about it. Maybe there's a program for me.

Usually I get a little TOO into ripping the pillow to shreds when my human gets her shoes off and finds my mouth full of pillow, and she is not happy. Quickly I must recover from this transgression and look as cute as possible.

NO, I was not eating the pillow! I was LOVING the pillow! See? Nice pillow!

It all works out. I'm irresistible and she cannot be mad at me for long. I have eaten all the pillows in the house and still she loves me. How could she not?

Jellybeans

2006-04-26T23:38:00.000-07:00

My human has had this basket for a couple weeks now, and it's been filled with sweet food that she doesn't ever share. She's selfish that way. Well, I was rearranging things in my room because she's always moving her dirty clothes into a big pile after I toil forever trying to get them spread out just right on the floor for me to sleep on, and I accidentally hit the basket of sweet stuff and it spilled on the floor.

Okay, I don't pretend to understand the human ways. Let me just say that now, before you start thinking I'm a human expert. I'm not! Humans are really weird. But the weirdest thing I've seen so far has got to be the little balls that fell out of this basket. They were all different colors and all different scents, and when they hit the floor, they bounced and rolled like my own ball-toys do. Only, they were tiny! So tiny, I could've eaten probably 20 in one gulp.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I stalked them, waiting for one to make just the wrong move, and then I'd eat it up. As I predicted, one did just that! It rolled on the carpet in a suspicious way and I had no choice but to pounce on it with both front paws and then slurp the bugger into my mouth. You know what? It didn't taste half-bad! Only... and here's the weirdest thing... it was CHEWEY! It stuck to my teeth! I chewed and chewed and chewed for what seemed like hours! What the hell are these tiny, colored, chewey ball-things?

Determined to crack the mystery, I slurped about 4 into my mouth and hopped on my bed. I set them down and studied them.

One promptly rolled across the bed and attacked my paw!

So, I ate it. It was good.

I don't know what these ball-things were, but they took forever to chew. And they were all different flavors. I didn't think I'd like them, but I couldn't help myself. Look at those pretty colors!

They were yummy. So sweet and tasty!

But, then they were gone. And my human said something about only getting them once a year! ONCE A YEAR! Delicious-ball-like-things-that-stick-to-your-teeth only come out once a year? That's crazy! Why are humans running the planet? Delicious-ball-like-things-that-stick-to-your-teeth should be here, in mass quantities, all year long! Wow, what a bummer. They were fun. They attacked my paw and bounced around and tasted like the sweetest fruit ever. I miss them already.

Cutest Puppy Ever

2006-03-24T23:53:00.000-08:00

My human will back me up on this: I was the cutest puppy ever.

This was me the day she got me. What a day that was! She totally exhausted me and I passed out every time she stood still for two seconds.

As soon as I got into the house, I had to test every possible surface to make sure the whole place was suitable for my habitation. By "test" I mean sleep on, then pee on all surfaces. I'm thorough like that.

Even my human's mom liked me, and she didn't even like dogs. However, those manicured fingernails were really irritating on my soft fur.

Look at me! I should be in commercials!

Then again, with a face like this, who could afford what I'm worth?

I could save thousands of dogs if I did commercials for shelters. Who wouldn't want something as precious as me? Okay, don't ask my human just how precious I was at that age. She will lie and tell you how I ate the furniture and ruined the carpet in every room. She pretends to be mad, but she's got wood floors, which she loves, and that's all thanks to me. See, nothing bad is as bad as it seems when I'm around.

It took a long time to get her to understand, but when she took me outside, the smells were so good that all I wanted to do was roll around. She laughed and took pictures, but she just didn't realize how much human scent she was getting on me everyday, and how desperate I was to get out and roll in some natural smells to get that nasty human stink off my fur.

Don't I look all frisky? What an unsuspecting temptation, this bare leg and hardly-shoed foot. You wouldn't know it from this shot, but after she snapped it, I wrapped my little fangs and claws around this long leg and made her scream. She knew, from that point on, that this look on my face means I'm about to play, puppy-style, and you're probably not going to win because you're a human. It keeps her in her place.

Now that I'm almost 2, I'm older and bigger, but I'm just as cute. More so, because there's more of me to be cute. Sometimes my human forgets, so I have to pull out these pictures and remind her how cute I was when I was little, so she smothers me in kisses. Can't let your human take you for granted. However, I am going to have to do something about her not respecting my need for my beauty sleep.

Froggie Extraordinaire Goes Fishing

2006-02-02T22:09:00.000-08:00

I have a picture tale to tell.

My human and I were in my room and she was using my computer while I napped. Suddenly we both heard a knock, or a thump, coming from the beta fish's bowl. I looked and there didn't seem to be anything going on in the tank, such as the beta trying to leap out, so I returned to my nap.

Again, I heard it; then again; then again. Three in a row! After the first one I was startled and watched the tank intently while growling in the general direction of the sound. The second and third thumps happened while my eyes were focused on the fish itself. Nothing was going on with the fish and I was totally puzzled. I moved around to look at the tank from another angle and I saw this...

Evidently, the boyfrog (a.k.a. Froggie Extraordinaire) had seen movement in the tank through the glass of his own tank. He was trying to eat the fish through the glass...

Look at the look of intensity and focus! He is hunting the fish!! That frog gets honorary "dog" status in my book!

Unfortunately, there is just too much between them, and yet he can clearly see the fish, adding to his frustration...

So I looked through the bowl to see what the fish must have been seeing, looking at him and thumping on the other side of the wall, and this is what I was greeted with...

Looks hungry, doesn't he? And if it wasn't for the glass, I'd be watching him have his dinner...

And just when I thought the boyfrog had realized that he was window shopping...

He lunged again...

And again...

Over and over he continued slamming his head into the glass. He must have a serious headache. Finally he backed off and tried to ignore the tempting yet unattainable fish...

I know the pain of that tricky invisible wall the human calls "glass." It's just torture.

The end.

Couch Potato

2006-01-24T22:49:00.000-08:00

Yeah, smartypants, I'm comfortable. The couch is ~~dog~~ human-ugly, but it's just right for sprawling out on. Put the darn camera down and come over here and scratch my belly!

I'm so going to chew holes in your underwear again for this! Human! I said scratch my belly!

Where's the Rope?

2006-01-24T01:56:00.000-08:00

My human, she is always accusing me of eating things that I shouldn't.

Most recently, she got this idea in her head that I ate my rope toy. I don't know WHERE she got this idea from! Now, why would I eat my rope toy? I mean, it's my toy! If I ate it, I wouldn't have it anymore. SOMEONE ate it, but it wasn't me. She's sure it was me. Nothing I say can convince her that it wasn't.

She's looking at me like the case is closed and there's all this evidence against me, but where is it? I don't see your precious evidence! PROVE it was me!

HEY! I've been framed! Who put the rope string in my mouth? How did that get there? Have I been wandering around all day with this hanging out of my mouth? GAHHHH! Get out! I've been framed!

What's She Doing?

2006-01-23T01:51:00.000-08:00

Is she...? NO! She wouldn't dare! But it sounds like she is! Is she eating and not sharing? I've got my eye on her! She's a sneaky one, that human!

Favorite Toy

2006-01-23T01:48:00.000-08:00

Thankfully my human has an addiction to Coke that keeps an ample supply of my favorite toys around. Imagine if she was healthy and drank water! What on earth would I play with?

Froggie Extraordinaire

2006-01-23T01:05:00.000-08:00

My human, she's got these two frogs, who sleep even more than me, if you can believe that. They don't do much and they smell funny, but I figure it's okay because when she buys them crickets (bluck!), she always brings me home goodies too, so, I guess the frogs are alright.

Streeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch

2006-01-23T00:09:00.000-08:00

It was a busy day. I got up, ate, went to the bathroom, napped, buried a bone, napped, ate again, went to the bathroom, napped, chased my tail until I cracked my head on the table, napped, ate again, went to the bathroom again, napped, and then she woke me up for a midnight snack. She's so demanding. If she didn't give me such good belly rubs, I'd be so outta here.

Doggie Poses

2006-01-23T00:03:00.000-08:00

She's always there with the stupid camera. I never get a moment of peace.

She likes to hold my bone high up so that I can only look at it loningly. It's okay -- don't feel bad. I hide it in her laundry later and she goes to work smelling like beef rawhide.

I don't know if she's lazy or what, but whenever I try to get her to chase me, she laughs and takes more pictures. What's her deal? Doesn't she ever play?

Oh no. She's coming after my ears again. She always pets them and rubs her face on them because they're so soft. I quit cleaning them a year ago to see if she'd stop, but she doesn't care. Why don't you pet your own ears, Human? Oh, that's right! You have small, hard, bald ears. Jealous?

Day One

2006-01-23T00:02:00.000-08:00

My first day with the human. Man, it took me a long time to break her in! Always with the high-pitched talking to me, nearly drove me nuts. I peed all over the floor to punish her and she had to replace all the flooring in the whole house after a couple months, but still she kept it up. She's much better now.