Doggie Extraordinaire

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Attention, Humans and Dogs!

I am Cloudy.

I am a cat, therefore, I am superior. I am cute, cuddly, soft and feminine. I am a diva like none you've ever seen before. I will rip your arm off and beat you with it, then purr softly and meow while rubbing on your bloody stump, and you will like it.

I have taken over your world. I have taken over your dog. I have taken over your home.

I am now taking over your dog blog.

A few weeks ago, it got really cold outside and my former humans threw me out and moved away, so I went where I knew I could dominate. Yeah, these humans had a big, huge dog, and yeah, they pretended not to like me, but I am a cat, therefore, I am superior. I made them like me.

First I was just cute. Humans are suckers for cute. Then I meowed softly every time anyone spoke to me in that obnoxious baby-talk voice. They ate it up. A few purrs, some rubbing, and I was in. Now it's all about world domination.

The funny thing is, they make toys for me to play with to hone my skills, which will inevitably be used against them. How ironic is that? Take, for instance, this rubber band string.

At first, I was like, "Dude, what is that ridiculous thing?"

"What exactly am I supposed to do with THAT?"

"Fine, you inferior species. I will catch it and mangle it."

I discovered that the rubber band toy was much more of a gym than anything, and I showed off my prowess.

I must say, I did splendidly, both destroying the rubber band toy and impressing the humans with my abilities, all the while looking like the menacing creature I am.

The dog is terrified of me, as well he should be because after all, I am a cat, therefore, I am superior.

It's my house now.

I used to live out there.

Sometimes I long for the outdoors, where I could catch and kill more birds than one cat could eat, and I would leave offerings on doorsteps around the neighborhood, laying the groundwork for future domination. I do miss that a little.

But, I live inside now, where it's always warm, never rains or snows, and I am given my food by my human servants, who also run to have the honor of cleaning up my poo each time I go. I am worshipped. As I should be. Because I'm a cat, therefore, I am superior.

It's all mine. It will take me forever exploring, figuring out exactly what is here that is mine, but it is all mine.

And if they ever question my superiority, I just go back to looking cute and it's game over for them.

I am Cloudy. I'm here to stay.